the PilGriMs JoUrnEY

It’s been almost a year since that beautiful weekend, it was more than a lifetime ago.
How it happens to mind after all of this time and brings tears to my eyes, I don’t know.
It’s the thought of you and the way that it hurts to be so much in love.
The thought of you brings it all my way

I know that it’s late, I’m sorry I called. I’m surprised to have found you at home.
It’s just once in a while I remember your number, I was hoping that you’d be alone.
For I thought of you and the way you can turn it around with a smile.
And the thought of you brings it all my way.
I know that it’s over, but I can’t discover a way to erase how I feel.
I remember the nights and the passionate fights and I know that I love you and I always will.

And I want you to know that I’m always here for you. Any day, any night, any time.
It happened before, it could happen once more,
there’s a chance that you might change you’re mind.
For the thought of you and the way that it feels to be safe in your arms,
the thought of you brings it all my way.

I know that it’s over, but I can’t discover a way to erase how I feel.
I remember the nights and the passionate fights and I know that I love you and I always will.
It’s been almost a year since that beautiful weekend, it was more than a lifetime ago.

I’ve been lying awake in my bed for nearly an hour. I try my best to go back to sleep, but I can’t. I reach for my phone and check the time. It’s seven minutes before three in the morning. There’s too much in my mind to expect to sleep. The comfort of a warm bed couldn’t chase away all these unsettling emotions. That and the overwhelming longing I feel about is what really keeping me up. Or perhaps, there’s more to it than that. I lay another fifteen minutes before giving up to go back to sleep.I swiftly put away the blanket, grab my phone, and walk out the room, straight to our porch.

I shivered as I felt the breeze of the cold wind. Though it’s new moon, it’s not really dark outside. The light is just enough for me to see my surroundings. From where I stand, I could see the roofs of my neighbour’s houses and the passing cars in the road. I contained myself for a while, and I can’t help but appreciate the calmness of the chilly night. The scent of the crisp air is really inviting in my nose. I took a deep breath and relish the fleeting moment of comfort. I sigh. I’ve been having these nights more often. Nights filled with remorse, filled with anxiety.

“I’ts been a year, now”, I told myself. A pang of sadness sweeps over me.

I close my eyes and lift my face towards the sky and stay that way in a while. There are just too many emotions; pain, desires, confusion, guilt, and it hit me all at once. I’ve gone through so much already. Far worse than I thought it would. Lost in thoughts, I open my eyes and amorously stare at the starry night sky. I wonder if someone’s staring at it, too. I wish there’s a moon, though.

After those wishful thoughts, I reach for my phone, and for the first time in a long time, I press the familiar numbers one by one, until reaching the last. I shrink, and my heart immediately races. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and turned the phone off. A fear of rejection runs through me. My heart has been telling me that I don’t have the right to call at all. The thought cripples me. I wish I could have done something for it. But some things can never be undone. Then I sigh, it doesn’t really matter and that I’m just wasting my time. I am constantly thinking and imagining what it would be like if I get the chance to hear your voice again. Frustrated, I look back towards the sky and try to talk it out to myself.

I’m missing you terribly, and there hasn’t been a single day that I didn’t think about calling you or writing a letter. I’d give anything just to have some moment with you again. It kills me to imagine how you’re doing, now that you’re so far away from me. Sometimes I forget it happened, other times it’s all I think for days. I could hardly get your face out of my mind.

Filled with emotions, my tears started to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t help it. No matter what I do, the pain won’t leave me. On top of the constant dread state that I’m in, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I still care. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Tears blur my vision. I wipe my face with the back of my hand and turned myself to the nearest chair and sit on it.

Darkness is now starting to lighten. It was already five in the morning. Streaks of the morning light bleeds in the east. Another night had passed. Yes, it has been a long and tough night. Looking back at everything, I knew then that it’s not yet the end. There is going to be more night like this in the coming days. That’s right. It’s maybe on the next day, next week, next month, or even next year. But I hope, I will be stronger when that time comes. I take another deep breath and sit in silence watching the sun slowly come up over the horizon.

led112811